


Satan Help Me

by cinder1013



Category: Glee
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-30
Updated: 2012-05-30
Packaged: 2017-11-06 07:52:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,976
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/416505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cinder1013/pseuds/cinder1013
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Post episode 3x08. Kurt can't figure out what to do with the would-be boyfriend thief, Sebastian, so he brings in a little fire power.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Satan Help Me

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by an IM convo:  
> cinder: santana: you know what we call this, Kurt? Fight club. That means you fight. you do not just roll over and take it  
> cinder: santana: even if that's your first instinct, bottom boy
> 
> The first Kurt-Sebasitan fight  
> http://insidetv.ew.com/2011/12/02/glee-kurt-sebastian-fight-exclusive-video/

“All right, Ladyface, I heard about your problem.”

How exactly had he gotten himself into this, Kurt wondered as Santana slid into the seat across from him. Here he sat in a diner, late at night, with his former bully and the bitch queen of McKinley.

“Thank you so much and thank you, Dave, for blabbing.” He took a long sip of his soda, avoiding their eyes.

“Look, Fancy, I just ... I ain’t the best guy to help is all.”

“I did not come to you for help. I came to you so I could bitch about this to someone who wouldn’t gossip about it. Guess I’m stupider than I look.”

“Not really,” Santana told him.

“Gee thanks.”

“Look, Dave told me because I can help you.” She looked around to make sure no one else was listening. “You used to be my greatest nemesis, Bitchboy. Now you’ve gone all soft. What you need is your mojo back.” 

Kurt simply glared at her, his best glare in fact. 

“She’s right, Fancy. You used to sling the best barbs of anybody.”

Santana cleared her throat, but Dave ignored her. 

“You got to verbally eviscerate this fuckin’ guy.” 

“I appreciate your use of words with more than one syllable,” Kurt told him dryly, “but it’s going to take a little more than that. He wants my boyfriend. Did I tell you that he out and out told me he’s going to steal my boyfriend? That I’m not good enough for Blaine. He said that!” 

Santana nodded, her lips pursed. “Dave told me and the best come-back you came up with was you smell like craigslist.”

“That was pretty good.”

“It was, but it wasn’t great. You aren’t going to win this fight with pretty good.” Santana grinned at him. “We need a plan and I just happen to have one.” 

“All right, I’m frightened.” 

Santana’s plan was one of her more genius moments, although Kurt didn’t like to admit it. If Kurt’s life were a boxing movie, the next week would have been a montage with a Lady Gaga soundtrack as Santana prepared him to go toe to toe with Sebastian and win. 

She also insisted to Dave teach him how to punch people. Not a skill that Kurt intended to use, but nice anyway. Dave was kind of a big teddy bear. Only, you know, a hot teddy bear. Not that Kurt was attracted to him. Well, he was attracted, but … 

Kurt groaned, listening to the words chasing tail inside his own head. 

“Something wrong, Fancy?” 

“Just everything. Can I go back to bed? Maybe when I get up I’ll be 90 and none of this will matter anymore.” 

“Now listen here, Dorothy, you can do this and if you can’t, Dave and I will be a couple tables away waiting to pounce on that overgrown lemur. Got me?”

“Si.” 

“Quit trying to play teacher’s pet and get in there.” She sent him off with a shove. 

They didn’t know for sure if Sebastian would show up. Kurt was just meeting Blaine for coffee at the day and time of their usual coffee date, but it was a good bet. 

Sure enough, when he walked through the door, Sebastian was already at their table smarming on his boyfriend. Kurt stopped to get a fortifying cup of coffee before wandering over to their table. “Hi, you two. Fancy seeing you here, Sebastian. It’s almost like you’re a stalker or something.” 

Blaine laughed at that, but Sebastian didn’t.

“Kurt.” Blaine stood, cupping Kurt’s elbow as he planted a peck on his cheek and then guided him into his chair. Kurt couldn’t help but beam at him. 

“I thought I’d see if Blaine was available today. He texted me back and said you two would be here.” 

Kurt faked a gasp. “Blaine, you gave him your phone number? I thought we’ve talked about communicable diseases.” 

Blaine laughed again. “Oh, hah, communicable. That was terrible.” 

“Yes, but you laughed, so you’re worse.” 

“I am.” 

Kurt took a tentative sip of his coffee even though looking at Sebastian’s face made him positively nauseous. Behind Blaine’s head, he saw Dave and Santana pass as they made their way to a table in the corner. Dave gave him a subtle thumbs up and Santana glared daggers at Sebastian. Kurt just hoped for Sebastian’s personal safety that he was able to do this himself. There wouldn’t be much left of him if Santana ripped into him. 

“So, Kurt, Blaine tells me that you’ve applied to the New York Academy for the Dramatic Arts.” 

“Yes.” Kurt resisted - resisted hard - the urge to expound on the topic. Santana had been very firm about what she would do to Kurt’s hair if he gave Sebastian an opening. 

The three of them stared at one another for a moment. 

“I think it’s great,” Blaine finally said. 

“Could you even afford it if you got in? I mean, your family, not exactly the wealthiest.”

“We do all right.” 

“Kurt’s hoping for a scholarship,” Blaine added. 

“Well, here’s to hoping.” Sebastian lifted his cup in salute. 

“Where do you plan to go? Harvard? Yale? Satan’s School for Wayward Girls?”

“My parents both went to Duke, actually, so I suppose I’ll end up there too.” 

“Good school,” Blaine jumped into the conversation to say, his happy grin pasted somewhat awkwardly on his face. 

“Sure. You won’t even need any of that blue fan paint for basketball games. Your cute little demon visage is already in place.” 

Sebastian fumed. Blaine looked back and forth between the two of them fearfully, clearly contemplating if he should hide under the table by the look on his face. 

“Careful, your claws are showing,” Sebastian snapped back at him. 

Kurt paused for a moment. What if Blaine was disgusted by this little display? He floundered for only a moment, but it was enough time for Sebastian to pounce. 

“Although, I wouldn’t expect anything less from you. Meow, wild cat,” Sebastian made a cliche little clawing motion with his hand. “Oh, wait, you’re not from what I hear.” 

Now Kurt was on the defensive. He glanced up. Santana was looking at him from over her coffee cup. She arched a brow. Yeah, no help there. “We slept together,” he stammered. Even as the words left his mouth, he knew they were the wrong ones. 

“Kurt!” Blaine’s cheeks were glowing red he was blushing so hard.

“Oooohhhh.” Sebastian turned to Blaine and whispered to him conspiratorially, “was it as good for you as it was for him? Did he squirm on the end of your dick like -”

“That’s enough!” Blaine stood quickly enough to knock his chair over. Grimacing, he righted it and tried to ignore the way everyone stared. “I … I need more coffee. Don’t kill each other.” With those parting words, he stomped away. Kurt noticed Dave get up too, but Sebastian drew his attention back before he could see what was going on. 

“Think I went too far?”

“Yes, I think you went too far just by coming here. Why don’t you leave?”

“Perhaps it would be better if you left. Blaine isn’t going to be happy with your little revelation. Looks like your perfect little relationship is already crumbling. Poor, poor Kurt.” 

Kurt laughed at that. “Seriously? I said the wrong thing. It’s true. And I’ll apologize. You really think Blaine isn’t going to forgive me for a little verbal misstep? You don’t just look like a rabid lemur on Quaaludes, you have the IQ of one too.” 

Blaine came back to the table, his cheerful smile pasted back in place. Behind him lurked Dave. “Hey, look who I found in the coffee line?” 

“Hi,” Dave offered. 

“Have I seen you before?” Sebastian asked. “I don’t mean to sound like a bad pick-up line, but you look familiar.”

“And yet you do. Dave, did you know there’s an angel missing from heaven? Sebastian wants your phone number.” 

“Uh, no.” Dave smiled and sat down with them. “We’ve seen one another at Scandals. I’m, you know, the guy you haven’t gone home with yet.” 

Sebastian frowned, turning his glare on Kurt, but before he could say anything, Blaine was talking again, bouncing into his chair. 

“We didn’t see you when we were there. This is so unexpected.”

“Kurt saw me.” 

“Dave and I talked at the while the two of you were dancing.” 

“Oh.” Blaine blushed and looked away. 

Reaching across the table to him, Kurt grabbed his hand. “We’ve already hashed that night to death. Let’s not do that again.” 

Blaine nodded and smiled sheepishly. 

“Boys!” Santana made her move, walking up to the table and draping herself across Dave and Blaine’s shoulders. “Wow, how are my boys?” Leaning down, she smacked Dave’s cheek with a wet kiss. He laughed and wiped it off. 

“Hi, Satan,” Kurt offered. Blaine and Dave cheerfully greeted her too. “Oh, Seb, this is Satana. She’s in our glee club.” 

“Hey,” she offered. 

“It seems like you know everyone,” Sebastian said by way of greeting. “Did I see you on a campaign ad?”

“Yeah, I’m totally part of the club.” Kurt grabbed a chair for her so she could sit down. Their little table was getting crowded. “Kurt tells me you’ve been hanging around lately. I think he said something about the smell.” 

“Did he?”

“Yeah, see, my boy was doing fine, but I just had to come over here and meet you myself. I just couldn’t believe that someone, anyone, would attempt to come between him and Blaine.” 

“He wouldn’t!” Blaine protested. 

“Get a life, hobbit. The only reason you couldn’t see it is because it was happening above the table.” 

Dave laughed at that and Kurt tried to hide his smirk. 

“Look, if you come around here again or call Blaine or come to see Blaine or even if I so much as catch a whiff of your sorry ass anywhere near Blaine, I will go all Lima Heights on your ass. Are we perfectly clear? Because me, I could cut a bitch.” 

“Perhaps you should go,” Kurt advised. “I don’t think Paris prepared you for this.” 

“This is totally unnecessary,” Blaine grumbled. 

“Fine, I’ll go, but Blaine, when you’re finally ready to let go of the kids, give me a call. We don’t need their plebeian proletariat dragging us down. The Warblers are going to win nationals and when we do I expect you to be there. In fact, I expect you to be here,” he said, indicating his arm. 

“I’m in love with Kurt,” Blaine said slowly, as though a thought were just dawning on him, which it was. 

“I’ll forgive you for the lack of taste to fall for the son of a mechanic.” Sebastian spit the word out like his forefathers had spit the word peasant. “But don’t waste too much of my time coming to your senses.” 

“Come to my …” Blaine rose slowly this time. “Come to my senses? I am quite senseful and let me tell you, I’m staying with Kurt and I’m staying with New Directions. You’re an ass!”

Kurt clapped and Dave and Santana joined him. 

“Get out of here and don’t try to call me again,” Blaine huffed. He looked around, seeing everyone else in the coffee shop staring, and slowly sank back into his seat, blushing. 

“Goodbye,” Kurt called, waving at Sebastian’s retreating back. 

“So long,” Dave added. 

“Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!” 

Scooting over to be closer to Kurt, Blaine took his hands. “Has he been doing that the entire time?”

“Oh, my beautiful, oblivious boyfriend.” Kurt leaned in and pecked Blaine on the nose. 

“That’s it! All the syrup I can take!” Santana announced. Grabbing Dave’s hand, she rushed out the door. 

The boys ignored her, ignored everything but one another.


End file.
